*Darkdesyre

Jeanine Browning

Full disclosure

Journal Entry: Mon Oct 27, 2008, 8:24 AM

In the need to finally let people know where I have been lately and my absence from DA Id thought Id get very transparent. I am really struggling with art right now. The thought of drawing or painting is so painful. I battle against an inner critic that shreds my confidence reletentlessly everytime I pick up a brush. I have succumbed to this demon for the past five months and havent stepped foot into my studio. Last night I tried to draw for the first time and wound up shredding my efforts (which I can even admire intellectually as a great first drawing after months off).

It is something I have been plagued with since a child, this painful need to criticize and torment myself over my art. It is brutal. I can fight my way back to having confidence in my work, but its a painful struggle and sometimes I feel its just not worth it because I know sooner or later Ill wind up back in the dumps.

At least when I was teaching art I was forced to draw and paint everyday and so I kept in a good place about it. Now that I am working on my own I am just struggling to stay afloat.

I thought some honesty was in order. I am envious of people who can have a bad drawing and just move gracefully on to the next one. Each time I fail (and most of it isnt even real, its perceived) it gets so much harder to approach the next one. This robs me of ever truly enjoying my creations, I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to just stop. I have tried many years of counseling and behavior therapy about it and am even on bi-polar medicine but it doesnt seem to stop the downward spiral.

I wish I knew what the solution was, I just have to muster up the courage to walk through the fire again, knowing I will be the one to burn myself.

With love,

Jeanine

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TrashyDragon

111 Comments

Mood: Amazed
Drinking: red wine always =)

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~vivien82

Oct 27, 2008, 9:08:08 AM

Hi....I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling inadequate sometimes with your art. I am just getting over a year long (maybe more) block that now I realize, was purely psychological. I knew that the only way to get better was by practicing, but at the same time couldn't bring myself to draw things that had a chance of turning out poorly. Hence I just stopped altogether. But you will miss it eventually, and there's no way you'll stop doing art if you really love it.
Try asking yourself what it is that you have to prove and to whom by making perfect art every time you sit down. What makes it so hard to sometimes make mistakes? You're human, we all screw up sometimes

Be strong, I know it sucks but it will pass...you're an artist!

*algenpfleger

Oct 27, 2008, 9:43:27 AM

This might help. -> [link]

*jjackm

Oct 27, 2008, 9:49:18 AM

We all have our doubts...I know my drawings are bad most of the time but those few jewels keep me going...

~Irishchicky

Oct 27, 2008, 9:59:21 AM

I feel for you. I get that way sometimes. Have you ever thought about getting a sketch pad, taking it to the park and filling it with quick 30 second life drawings? Maybe if you do alot of quick scribbly work whichisnt great it will help you to take failure easier??

--
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.

*Sarah-IKB

Oct 27, 2008, 10:04:12 AM

Like the others who have already commented, we are our own harshest critics. And I believe it is because we want to astonish or surprise ourselves with what we can do - approve of ourselves even.

Draw yourself out of the fear. Every once in a while there will be a moment when you make something that impresses yourself. Those are nuggets to cherish and hold dear. It's yin/yang isn't it? And art.

Other times regress to the child who just draws with whatever is closest to hand. Don't apply rules/formulas just loosen up and play. It should be fun shouldn't it ... sometimes?

Hah, I should really listen to my own advice! Hope you quash the demons soon xxx

~mrcontroversial

Oct 27, 2008, 10:04:58 AM

I wish I knew what the solution was, I just have to muster up the courage to walk through the fire again, knowing I will be the one to burn myself.

I believe you're doing the right thing by sharing with other artists, or at least with someone. It happens to all of us, to get stuck, or feel very critical on our works. Have you thought about taking the painting or the drawing as an exploration? Just continue to layer down with strokes with the pencil or brush. See what it can be, what it could be, not looking for an ending. That's one way to do it.

Or you could go back to practice doing anatomy, just keepin' your skills on par.

I hope that you continue to look for solutions, and that you will find your stride soon. You will, when you start drawing and painting again.

--
I'm sarcastic due to the overdose of reality.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 1963 (from Strength to Love)

~winteryvisions

Oct 27, 2008, 10:13:15 AM

Aww, sweetie -- it happens to us all. Take a deep breath, step back, and instead of destroying your piece, put it away and look at it later with fresh eyes. Your work is *wonderful*, I admire it very much, and you have it in you to continue creating such beautiful work. The evidence is right here! So you're not drawing and painting every day? Then go and get your sketchbook and *make time* every day to do something, even if it's only a fifteen minute sketch.

So -- what are you waiting for?

~Krevlorne

Oct 27, 2008, 10:55:18 AM

Hey, keep your chin up Jeanine. Your going to be OK. You should know, and probably do, that even the greats had tough times. Less then great art, less then their best. I've found the drawings I've done that are not my favorites, have had the most praise and/or impact on people. Art is not science, it's art.

I always have to loosen up my mind, I tend to "want" my drawings and stuff to look like photographs. Then I have to tell myself, then "Why don't I just take a picture." Love yourself, your creations, your art, it was made by you and you only, it is you and it is beautiful. Every stroke is an essence of you, don't worry about everyone else. I find that is my biggest fear when it comes to completion of a piece. "What will THEY think?" Then I tell myself, "I don't care what THEY think." It's me, this is what I do, I love it, I enjoy it, I become it. Do art for arts sake, not for anything or anyone else.
Smile, grin like a child that just did their fist finger painting, remember that, because in the end, that feeling they have over a silly little painting, is what you should have every time your brush touches the canvas. Don't expect too much, but appreciate the outcome.
(I think I went a little overboard on this and talking in circles. But, hey, this is how I think.

)
Take care of yourself, watch a child paint, then remember that its the doing that's important, not the done.

~shoxmon

Oct 27, 2008, 1:04:02 PM

You're not alone.

Hang in there and keep in mind that no matter what you see in your art, others will see the beauty in it.

~Mr-Dave

Oct 27, 2008, 1:04:58 PM

Well... I know every time I make something, my first thought is "This is shit. I should just throw it away.". The only thing I think that can help get you through it is to 'think Nike'. "Just do it.". Ignore your own perceptions on the project and just get it done and then set it aside for a few days. Then you can come back and get a fresh perspective on it.

I've suffered with 'It's not good enough' syndrome all my life, so I understand your lamentation. Remember to trust in those with whom you've surrounded yourself. Yes, I know it can sound like they are blowing smoke up your ass when they say "It's beautiful.", when you are thinking inside that the thing sucks, but they are telling you their honest opinions. Let them help in knocking down your own inner critic.

--
"You can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around, or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters.". -Cartman

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Journal History

May 18, 2009 Burn out
Nov 17, 2008 Traditional art
Oct 27, 2008 Full disclosure
Sep 8, 2008 Devious Journal Entry
Aug 12, 2008 Argentina!
Aug 6, 2008 New responsibilites and brushe!
Jul 23, 2008 New adventure
Jul 9, 2008 Traditional art
Jun 27, 2008 Moving on..
May 28, 2008 Heavy heart

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